How do I walk away from someone who no longer has love for me?
“I am sorry, I just don’t love you like I use to”
What a transforming statement to hear from someone who you currently want to spend the rest of your life with. Even as I read a statement like this, it brings back many memories from my own lovers past. This statement is a hard pill to swallow but you need to take a glass of water and swallow it because this is happening! Many of you probably knew it was going to come but you just didn’t know when. You defiantly wasn’t going to leave them first (even though you know you should). You know that feeling when your body is quaking every time you speak to them? Your heart is beating faster and your voice is trembling. For some, you basically have a full blown anxiety attack but either way you knew it was coming. So now you need to put in your mind that you are about to be SINGLE! I know a few of you may start crying but it is okay to cry right now, it’s fresh. All of your memories together, vacations, meeting their family and friends, having bonds with those same people, all will have to cease to exists. Your exit from the relationship will be hard to do but when someone tells you that they “no longer love you”, it is time to remove yourself from their life before you give them the power to control you, your sanity and your happiness.
I will burst a few of your bubbles and hurt of few of your feelings but I am only doing this because I wish someone was in my face letting me know what I needed to do when a situation like this arose. So let me be your best friend right now and be frank with you. After a betrayal like this one please follow these steps to ensure that you place your self-worth and own happiness over begging someone that doesn’t love you to continue to be with you.
BREATHE
Breathing is one of the things we quickly forget how to do when in the face of adversity despite it being a natural body function. If your significant other has just told you that “I don’t love you any more”, “I never loved you”, or any variation of love, don’t and you, whether or not if it’s in person, over the phone or via text, you need to step away from the conversation and just breathe. If you continue to talk to this person, you will make matters worse! This person will begin to become mean to you and start calling out your flaws. They will continue to say they don’t love you. They will become impatient with you and an impatient person will say anything and I mean ANYTHING to get you off their backs.
On the other hand you may have a person who says the betrayal statement to you and they will listen to you rant on and on about “how they could say such a thing” and “after all we been through how could you say that” statements. You will go in circles and have a lot of unanswered questions that will lead you right back to “how could you?” This person may even attempt to work it out with you. They will continue those vacation plans, go on date nights and hang out with your friends and family but please do not be mistaken. This person will be moving on mentally, emotionally and possibly even physically. Your healing process is now stalled because you think everything is back copacetic. They are communicating with you, even saying I love you but realistically, this person is being deceitful to protect your feelings. This person is also a coward and afraid to own up to their truth and not string you along any further.
Many times when you are betrayed, the actions that follow after can land you in a deeper messed up situation than just walking away. From keying cars, bashing out windows, physically hurting the person, being petty or other things that can have you arrested but what outcome are you expecting when you become violent to the other person? You physically hurt the person, now what? Ya’ll are going to get married? Sure because hurting someone you still love that doesn’t love you is real love (sarcasm if you didn’t catch it). Now you are arrested or even hurt behind someone who doesn’t even love you so why give them that power over you? Walking away gracefully and peacefully will hit them harder than you hitting them with your car.
So before things escalate to a fight or you being strung along because you cannot let go, you need to take multiple steps back and breathe. Take this time to cry, and be alone with your feelings. If you live with them, pack a bag and head to a family members or friends house or even a hotel. Try not to forget anything you will need for a few days or weeks. You also need to take this time to accept that you are going to have to let them go. If you go back and forth with this individual, you will personally hand them over the torch of your happiness and self worth. You will give them the power to control you. They will make you feel weak and meaningless. This is why you do not poke the bear who just said they do not love you. Love yourself FIRST and take some time to gather your thoughts and have a realistic conversation with your brain. If you are religious or spiritual, this is the time to soak your self into the word. This will give you clarity even in the mist of a storm. AGAIN, do not further the conversation after the betrayal statement is said. Walk the hell away. I promise it is for the best. You have the power when you choose to walk away. You will have one up on them if you choose to walk away right after they told you how they felt.
GAIN CLARITY OF THE SITUATION
We all know songs that speak about how love can be blind. When we are in the midst of our relationship and sharing that couple time with friends and family, they will see things that we don’t see, such as red flags that we overlooked. During this step in letting go, you will need to speak with your close friends who knew your significant other and or your parents and siblings who knew your significant other. Ask them questions on what they saw as far as red flags in your relationship that you glanced over. Gain some insight on something that you did not notice about them or yourself. Most of the time people say “I don’t care what my friends and family think about them! I love him/her. She/he is the best thing that ever happened to me!” However, again love can be blind and your close friends and family only want the best for you therefore they would not lie to you just for their health. They do not want to see you miserable. Besides, it would not be about them stating if they like or hate your significant other, it would be about negative behaviors that you over looked while in your relationship. Furthermore, when they tell you what they noticed, listen to them and believe what they are saying. I have seen and been in many situations where soon as someone says something that we don’t like or want to accept about our significant other we go right into the arms of denial. DENY DENY DENY! Unfortunately, you need to own the fact this person made plenty of mistakes that shouldn’t have been brushed off by you. Just think about it… have you ever found yourself justifying his/her bad behaviors? Making statements such as “He didn’t mean to” or “she was just upset”. If so, you missed a red flag that should have caused you to end the relationship then and that could’ve been only 3-4 months into the relationship! Its easier to walk away when it’s only been a few months. You could have been free. However now here we are, years on down the road and 100 mistakes and one broken heart later.
With that being said, gain clarity and open your eyes to what you have been enduring your entire relationship. I know you do not want to hear this now but you will one day appreciate things ending because you were going to be in love and miserable with someone who doesn’t add value to your life and that is too much energy given to the wrong person which is time wasted.
ACCEPTANCE
With clarity brings acceptance. This will be one of the hardest parts along side walking away. Accepting the fact that the relationship is over. You have to accept that your ex is now your ex and that the relationship had to end. You also have to accept that your ex was incapable of loving you correctly which is the easy part. The hard part is accepting your part in prolonging the relationship that should of ended months or even years ago. Acceptance is the same as having accountability for your part in the relationship. Yes, you justified your ex’s negative behavior. Yes, you allowed them to change you. Yes, you allowed them to disrespect you and yes, you allowed them to be the sole reason for your happiness. You forgot about your own happiness. You lost yourself inside of them. You made yourself too available for them. When you depend on someone else to make you happy, you set them up for failing. No one knows how to love you like you do.
- Why didn’t you take that vacation?
- Why didn’t you attend your family and or friends party/gathering?
- Why didn’t you try that restaurant you been wanting to try?
- Why didn’t you go see that movie you wanted to see at the theater?
If you answered all these questions with the same answer of “My significant other didn’t want to go or couldn’t go” it only means that your source of happiness stemmed from your significant other and that is NOT healthy. You are the only source of your happiness and you need to do what makes you happy without changing for someone else’s plans. Yes, you made a mistake by not leaving the relationship sooner but you are here now and in this moment. You are now a better person because you chose to walked away without fighting or begging. You are now in full control and the ball is in your court. It may not feel like it but you do so accept it.
TO CONTACT OR NOT TO CONTACT
Now that you have taken the time to breathe, gain clarity and accept your part in the relationship, it is now time to make a major decision. If you have gotten through each of the other steps successfully this would mean you have not talked to your “ex” since the day they told you that they no longer loved you. It may take weeks before you get to this point but you need to be level headed and clear minded to make a good decision that both your heart and head agree with.
The decision is to either contact your ex and talk about what happened during the relationship which could lead you back to square one OR you can begin the no contact rule which means you 100% let your ex go and choose not reach out to them no matter what and let them live with their choice. The no contact rule will take a lot of will power and self control. You will have to vow to be obedient to your self and this will also be the beginning of your healing process. The healing process will only begin after acceptance. Most people place time limits on the no contact rule such as 30 days. Others choose a vow to never speak to their ex again unless its by chance such as passing by them in a store. Use your discretion in picking a time frame or all together but just stay focus and maintain your dignity. Each day not talking to them will become harder and harder but if you back track by contacting them, you will have to go back to the beginning of your process which will be acceptance. In addition, you will regret your decision on contacting them so STAY FOCUSED!
SELF CARE
-Mac Miller
Tell them they can take that bullshit elsewhere
Self care, I’m doing me.
Now is the fun part of being single. Taking care of yourself. During this time you will be going through the stages of grief (This will take weeks and even months). So yes, crying is inevitable. Cry your heart out but just don’t contact your ex. I also suggest not listening to music that will make you think about them. No break up songs. Play neutral music if that makes sense.
Spend time going out with your friends and family. Plan a mini vacation for you and a friend or travel by yourself. Go to the spa. Get your hair cut/done. Go get a pedicure/manicure. Go to the movies and restaurants by yourself. Go to the gym. Learn how to have fun on your own. Be your own best friend. When you do this you show yourself that you love you more than anything else and that you are willing to have fun on your own. You will also be prone to dwell on past memories. For example, one night you decide to go out with your girls or the guys and a song comes on that reminds you of your ex. Now you are thinking about him/her. You will have to DISRUPT YOUR DWELLING. Tell yourself to “SHUTUP” in the midst of your thoughts. Even months later, thoughts will still come up but shut them down immediately. Don’t allow your heart to dictate the way you operate. It will land you way back at square one and full of regret.
SELF LOVE
After you spend time caring for yourself comes the mature part. Talking about what you just walked away from and what you will not settle for in the next person. During this time you should be talking to your friends and even others in brief of what you been through. I say in brief because you are no longer upset nor mad at your ex. You are no longer afraid to tell the world what you went through without going into details because you accepted the loss as just that, a loss with a lesson. For example, when you finally go on a first date and your date ask you what happened in your previous relationship. You will answer in full so that they understand but briefly such as ” I ignored red flags and sought my happiness inside him/her which set the entire relationship up for failure so the best decision for us was to separate in order to become happy.” See? Short and sweet. If you want to rant on and on about your ex, you are still in the grievance stage and should hold off on dating for a little while longer. During the self love stage you should be able to reflect on your past and talk about the lesson(s) you learned from it.
Furthermore you should be motivating yourself by having some type of daily encouragement such as YouTube videos from people like Derrick Jaxn and T.D Jakes. These daily videos and audio clips will keep you on track and keep you focused on your future. Fall in love with yourself and thank the universe that you are not stuck in a unhealthy relationship. Yes, holidays may pass by and you may be single but just know that you are not dead therefore there are plenty of future holidays that you can look forward to having with a mate.
TIME
Don’t wait for time to heal you. Time does not heal all wounds; only action can do that, so make sure that you cry and laugh all in one day.
Of course with time, wounds will heal but you have to make sure you are backing up time with actions. Go out, laugh, make new memories with old and new friends. Go and pick up a new hobby. Find your niche and throw yourself in it. Do what you know makes you happy and never turn down a night to be with your friends or family. Next thing you know, months have past and you are still alive and happy so that goes to show that the heart break you went through was just a lesson and life does go on.
Give yourself a break. Remember not to beat yourself up. We all make mistakes and wasted time on people we had high expectations for. Accept that you wasted time. Accept that you have all these memories built with someone you will probably never see again. Those memories are now experiences you have and experiences are something you need to become a better you. If you don’t have experiences you don’t grow and everyone needs to grow.
You will get a new bf/gf so just spend time doing the things you want to do and your person will come when you are not even thinking about love. That’s the best kind right? The kind of love that caught you off guard but if you don’t love yourself, how and the hell is anyone else gonna love you (the right way) so start with YOU FIRST!
Raise your Crown 