After a rough break-up with your ex for any reason, you want to go back and talk to them. You want to ask questions about your relationship. You want to know where it went wrong and how you could have fixed things. Maybe you are hoping that they take you back and everything goes back to normal. Yup, goes back to the wonderful, tragic and toxic relationship you are use to. Do you actually believe that there is a such thing as closure with a ex that you had/have a toxic relationship with?
Closure? What is that?
Closure: the feeling or act of bringing something bad to an end
If you have experienced or are currently experiencing a toxic relationship with a person who you still love, closure will not work in your favor. Closure for you will be like you trapped inside a hamster ball. It just goes around and around and never ending. Asking questions to your partner at this point will have a lot of whys, whens, who and you will just want answers. However, what will you do with those answers? If he or she tells you why they cheated on you, why they no longer love you, why the deceived you, what will you do with those answers? What if they don’t even have the answers for your questions? Will you become angry at them and start a fight? Will you want to cry in front of them? One thing I do know is that you will not be able to walk away and get actual closure.
Getting “closure” and asking questions to someone who cheated on you, lied to you or who you are ultimately ending a relationship with will never give you the peace you think you will get or want. You will go around and around asking the same questions over and over again just to get the same response. No answer they give you will ever be enough because truth is you actually don’t want closure. You don’t want to walk away from someone who you love but deceived you. You want that “closure”discussion to open up your partners eyes to how they hurt you and how they should put a effort into trying to fix the relationship. The truth hurts to admit right?
When the person who you love can do something that they know will hurt you, that is the only answer you will need. Just think about it. Your significant other knows you. They know what makes you tick. They know what you love and they know what you hate. If they can go out, knowing that you are their significant other and cheat on you, entertain others, lie, disrespect you or deceive you then unfortunately, you need to leave them where they are and move on without them.
In situations like that, it is best to let things be what they are and walk away. You reacting, fighting for a closure conversation is pointless. Why would you care how they feel about cheating or lying to you? Shouldn’t your feelings matter first? You are the hurt one! Shouldn’t they want to fight to keep you by doing the right thing the first time? Stop asking for explanations, stop asking for reasons, don’t chase them for answers. Just accept what happened to you. Yes, you got cheated on. Yes, you was deceived. Yes, this person said they loved you and would never do anything to ruin it. This person probably painted a fairy-tale love story in your head. However, you need to gain inner peace and acknowledge that bad things do happen to good people more than often. Staying with them after you found out the wrong they did will only add more problems for the future. People will only do what you allow them to do so if you accept their bad behavior and continue to fight for the relationship, you give the green light on that behavior. You have to have high integrity for yourself not to accept someone treating you like a doormat.
I want you to know that good women and men do get lied to, talked about, mistreated, cheated on, abused and other things too. Never believe that you are too good of a person to never be treated poorly. You will have to accept that as long as we are living that bad things will happen to us. People who you love will disappoint you and it is up to you on how you chose to react. The next time you are ending a relationship where you think you want closure. Think and reflect on what closure is. If you are a good man or woman, the best thing you can do when something devastating happens in your relationship is leave it where it is. You are the prize and they will eventually see that you will not fight for someone who is not worth fighting for. Leaving will forever be hard but staying in a relationship where you are not treated with respect is even harder. So either raise your crown, leave it where it is and take it as a learning lesson or go and get your “closure” and get back into the cycle of disappointment.
Self-Love: noun – regard for one’s own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).
You know that unconditional love you have for a person, where they could never do anything wrong? Even their flaws are beautiful to you. You buy them everything that they ask for plus a little more. You want to spend all your time with them and would jump at the chance to hang out with them. That person you go and plan your outfit for. The person who you would give your last for just to make sure they are happy. This is the same person that you do not care what others say about them because you love them for who they are and what they offer. They are the total package to you.
If reading the above paragraph you thought about anyone on this earth beside YOURSELF, you need to take a step back from relationships and the dating game because you need to go on a self finding journey and this may take years of singleness and aloneness. I know that sounds scary but truthful as it is, being single is hard! Anything worth having will always be hard. How can you appreciate the good if you don’t want to accept the bad?
For several of you, you may be in a dark place right now. From not wanting to go to work, not wanting to talk to people, not wanting to go out with friends and family and possibly not even wanting to get out of bed because you believe that you will be single forever and no one will ever love you. You spend most of your time comparing yourself to other people on social media and you begin to resent friends and family that are in relationships. Most people in that situation end up dating “A” body (A=any old random waste time ass person) who will use your unhappiness to their advantage. This person will suck you dry and will have you feeling even more alone then being single. However, you will hang on to them no matter how bad they treat you because you just don’t want to be alone.
For the other half of you who are in a dark place, you will just spend your time basking in past good and bad memories. You will want any type of companionship from any body with a pulse. I know it will be hard to admit but the first step in getting better is admitting you do have a problem. If you beg and plead for any old girlfriend or boyfriend, best believe you will get any random person who will cause more harm for you than good.
How can you love someone else when you don’t have enough love to give yourself?
Good Women and Good men see toxic people miles away and they will stir clear of them. If you are constantly down in the dumps about being single and not happy with where you are and who you are, how could you expect someone to value you? Mean as it may sound but you don’t value yourself (yet). A good man/woman, love themselves! They have fun with themselves and are productive with improving and growing into a even better person. If they try to date a person who is in a dark place and doesn’t have self love they will run for their lives. Dating someone who does’t have self love can be toxic. That person will have a lot of insecurities, trust issues, and problems that a good man/woman would not want to deal with. A good man/woman have their standards high due to loving the crap out themselves. Any person who wants to come with unresolved issues, extra baggage, negative energy will cause that good man/woman to want to walk away from them. They want to keep their energy positive and anyone who will risk their good vibes, will be cut off before anything begins. Good men/women know that if they want something real, they can’t entertain what’s temporary. Good men/woman want to marry other good men/women.
You can’t bleed on someone else and expect them to stick around.
Now that we know this, lets begin this journey of you finding love in yourself. Following the guide below can lead to a healthier and happier single lifestyle that prepares you for your future mate.
Acknowledgment: Remember when I said earlier that the first step in getting better was admitting that you have a problem? Well that is exactly what acknowledgment is. Owning up to the fact that you do have flaws. You have to stop avoiding your truth and be honest with yourself. You will start to believe lies you tell about yourself if you start telling them all the time. From your jobs/careers, relationship flaws, physical features, our personalities, acknowledge that you have flaws!
Admittance leads to Acceptance: Once you admit your truths about your imperfection, you will next have to accept them. Accept that you are not perfect. We all can be doing other things to help us grow and develop but no matter how the pie is sliced, flaws in humans will exists. We as humans will always have flaws and you might as well spend your time embracing them instead of beating yourself up over them. Once you begin to accept your flaws as a part of who you are, you will no longer allow others that poke at your flaws to cause you discomfort. If you can accept your flaws, the company you decide to keep should accept them as well and if they can’t, you need to cut them off. People who constantly call out your flaws that you know about are not beneficial to you and are toxic. CUT.THEM.OFF! Your life will be less drama filled and more peaceful. Just like your future mate, they will not be perfect. They will have flaws that will have you scratching your head sometimes or even upset about. You will have to accept theirs just as they would yours.
Forgiveness: After admitting your flaws and accepting them, You will have to forgive yourself. This ties to beating yourself up. At times, we can be our biggest critics even when no one is even calling out our flaws. What we perceive in our eyes will stand out and have us even paranoid about ourselves such as our bodies or job choices. This will also seep out on to how you perceive others. You will become more judgmental of others, instead of accepting people for who they are. Self forgiveness will be more about setting yourself free from life social restrictions and loving you for your beautiful imperfect self. Void off any negative feedback that you give yourself. Shut down that conversation with yourself and compliment your flaws. For example “I get so loud when I get angry about something but that is because I yell when I am passionate about a subject”. Once you forgive yourself, you open up your world to having more friends and better opportunities come your way.
Appreciation: One thing about life is that you have to appreciate the things that you do have because you could have nothing. The flaws that you have are apart of you. When you appreciate something, you may not love it or even like it but you cherish it because you have what someone else may have. Become grateful for yourself and what you do and don’t offer. What you will lack your future partner will make up for and vice versa but you have to be able to communicate with yourself and others about your truth no matter how imperfect it is. Own up to who you are and love it. If you are over-emotional, own it! If you have a punctuality issue, own it! If you are a bad texter (not a actual word lol) , own it! If you are needy, OWN IT! Communicate and let others know who you are. The best kind of people are the ones who are honest about themselves.
Love: At this stage you will now know, speak on , and appreciate your flaws. Now that you are loving yourself for who you are, it is now time to spend time with yourself. Plan date nights with yourself. Go to the movies. matinees are perfect for this kind of thing because 1) movies are cheaper in the morning. 2) the theater won’t have as many people and 3) there will also be other singles at the movies so you won’t feel weird about sitting in a row all by yourself. After a while, going to the movies by yourself will be natural for you. You can lay across the other seats and get comfortable. I even saw a woman with a blanket and a bottle of wine. 🙂 Make spa treatments. Men and women both need massages and body treatments to relieve the daily tensions that life brings on their bodies. Go out to eat alone. Restaurants who have bars are actually made for singles to go to bar and grab drinks and eat. Also bring your headphones, so you can catch up on some TV shows. Travel alone! There are many safe places that are known for lone men and women travelers. Remember to always do your research on a destination before you travel there alone and always share with a trusted friend or family member the name and location of the hotel/Airbnb that you will be staying in during your time away. No matter what you do, enjoy your own company. It is actually very attractive to other singles when they see someone enjoying their own company. Also it is easy for another single to approach you when you are by yourself.
Remember, Good men/women want a good man/woman and that starts from within. Get to know yourself better and learn what you do and don’t like and be able to express that to others. This will let them know what you are and not willing to put up with in dating or a relationship with them. When you begin to just love yourself, you will weed off all the jerks. However there will be consequences of having self love. You will run off a lot of people! However, this is a good thing because you don’t want to waste your time with people who are not suppose to be around for a lifetime.
Raise your Crown 